I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
