Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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