my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
There are leaves in my underwear?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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