First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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