we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
