you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
