Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
