So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
