btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
