That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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