Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
