i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
