Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize