my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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