I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
