Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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