If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
