I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
