Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
