Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
People with herpes should wear stickers.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I party with great urgency now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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