Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
whose parrot is this?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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