the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
