I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
as a side note pls kill me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
