1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
