im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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