She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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