I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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