I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
