I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
