So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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