saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
