i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you will always have a special place in my vag
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Randomize
