Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
