she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
