If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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