oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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