sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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