I will die if light touches me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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