I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
