omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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