I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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