I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
