dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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