We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
