I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
