at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
