I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
