I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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