At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize