I am in a vortex of obligation.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
