Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She bit a glass in half.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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