Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
