I need to stop coming to work sober
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
