If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
birth control should be required to get into college
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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