worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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