Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
