So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
