Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
